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She's Getting Married, A Letter to My Daughter and Son-In-Law John P. Beavers Dear Kristen and Aaron, For your reading to kill any boredom between naps during your long flight to Bali, here is a chronology of events the memory of which your mother and I will always treasure. As I said recently, folklore is an event of angst turned into a fond memory with the passage of time. Although I have mulled the words of this chronology over in my mind for many days and hours, I am finishing this as of Friday night, June 3, the eve before your wedding . . . envisioning tomorrow evening when I, as the first man in her life, am about to walk my daughter, Kristen Parrish Beavers, down the aisle to meet Aaron Anthony Zeligs. This is only a week after saying “I’m giving my daughter away on Saturday no matter what.” All of this started last October with . . . . . . What do you think her answer will be? “Mr. Beavers, would you have an objection if I asked Kristen to marry me?” It is not what I was expecting. I get called only when something is wrong -- car won’t start; furnace doesn’t work; credit card is lost. My first thought after Aaron asked his question over the phone late one night early in October, was “Oh, thank God everything is okay!” My second thought was, “What was his question?” I knew the general subject, but I, being the lawyer that I am, wanted to answer the question asked. What seemed like moments to me seemed like minutes to Aaron. Later, Aaron said, “Mr. Beavers, you took forever to answer.” “No, Aaron, I don’t have any objection, but what do you think her answer will be?” “Aaa . . . I’m hoping she’ll say ‘yes.’” Eventually, I thanked Aaron for calling and ended the conversation by expressing a regret that “I didn’t get to do what my partner, Dave Baker, did to his daughter’s fiancée when he came to ask Dave the same question you asked me.” When Dave’s secretary announced to Dave that “Rob is in the reception area and has asked if he could see you,” Dave thought “Rob” was some real estate salespersons and let him sit in the reception in hope this salesperson would get discouraged and leave. When two hours later his secretary reminded Dave that “Rob Wheaton is still in the reception area,” Dave realized that he had been letting Rob Wheaton, Jenny’s fiancée, and not Rob the salesman, sit alone in the reception area. And you can imagine how anxious Rob was after being made to wait for two hours! Later, Aaron said, “What you did to me was so much worse than what Mr. Baker did to his daughter’s fiancée. And things went down hill from there with . . . . . . You can call me “Hank” Next came the obligatory “Meet the Fockers” joint family meeting (yes, I’m the Robert DeNiro character). This was lunch at a restaurant, appropriately for Kristen, in a ritzy shopping center of Boulder. The Beavers family sat on one side with the Zeligs on the other. “Aaron, I think it is time for you to call Susan and me something other than Mr. and Mrs. Beavers … And having given it some thought, I would like to be called ‘Hank.’” What I thought was great humor was viewed by the other side with open-mouth shock and by Kristen rolling her eyes and muttering, “There he goes again!” This resulted in a set-back in my relationship with Aaron who didn’t know what else to call me other than “Mr. Beavers” and with the rest of his family who weren’t even sure if I were worth being called any name. Which brings me to the appellation . . . . . . “The Boy” For the last 33 years of my life I have lived with no other male: Wife, two daughters, six female dogs (except for Meredith’s dog, Spencer, who in my mind doesn’t count as a male), one female cat, female fish, etc. So, after the engagement I began looking forward to having another male member in the family. And as I was recovering from my “You-can-call-me-Hank” routine, your mother and I joined the two of you and Meredith for Thanksgiving in Colorado Springs. Kristen and Meredith reverted to their childhood competition of racing to see who could get the best seat in the car, leaving in the dust Aaron who then had, because he was last, to sit in a jump seat in the rear. After several experiences with their behavior, Aaron politely and politically suggested, “Why don’t we do this on some rational and fair basis such as rotating who gets stuck in the jump seat.” To which Meredith replied, “But Aaron, you are ‘The Boy’. Who else should have to sit in the jump seat?” Thus, explaining my station in life for the past 33 years. (And Aaron has discovered his station in life this week as the Beavers’ women have ordered him around.) “Boy” was a way of expressing my acknowledgement of another male member of the family, and “the” boy seemed expressive that this was not just “a boy,” but someone significant. It also distinguished Aaron from me better than calling him the “the Man” which would have meant, by at least implication, that I am the “old Man.” Which brings me to Aaron’s pragmatism and . . . . . . Balance due the Zeligs All of my friends, including most recently Chuck Waterman, advised to offer the two of you a sum of money if you would just elope without a wedding. Jay and Marty Kelley even included for their daughter Kim money for a ladder! So after the announcement of the engagement, your mother and I decided on an amount to offer. We previewed this with the two of you at dinner on a Friday night during one of our visits to Colorado Springs: “Tomorrow night we will offer you a sum of money, such as $______, if you just go and elope without a wedding.” Kristen immediately responded, with a killing look, “That’s not what I want!” But Susan and I could see the wheels turning, Aaron, in your mind. So that night we decided to increase the sum by $5,000 (and this week we would have doubled the amount). We repeated the offer “for real” at dinner on Saturday with the increased amount. And we received the same killing look and negative response from Kristen. We thought the matter was over until two weeks later when Susan received from Aaron a spreadsheet entitled “wedding budget.” The spreadsheet detailed every cost of the wedding, many that we hadn’t yet even thought about, ending with three lines: “Total cost of wedding” being the sum of all the detail; “Amount promised by Beavers” being the amount offered if you eloped; and “Balance due the Zeligs” being the difference between the first two lines. This shows one of the things I like best about Aaron: His pragmatism. What I didn’t realize is how much Aaron had learned in overseeing a $2 billion budget as a 2nd Lt. in the Air Force. I discussed this with Chuck Waterman who in no uncertain terms said, “John, you have to say ‘no’. . . The amount is only if they elope because that will save you the emotional turmoil, anxiety and stress that planning a wedding for a daughter will absolutely create.” However, I thought I knew my daughter. Kristen, you are my “Li’l Princess,” and if I give you a budget, you’ll spend every penny of it. I would rather have you and Aaron use the money for a new home or car or something more tangible. So we did not object, at least then, to the “Balance due the Zeligs” on the wedding budget. Which brings me to why I’m now in . . . . . . Colorado Springs rather than Columbus Your mother and I, but primarily your mother, spent the most of October and much of November planning a wedding in Columbus for July 9. We chose the Atrium at Nationwide Center because it presented the best of the Columbus Museum, but with flowers, and the Franklin Park Conservatory, but without humidity. We gave the two of you a tour of the facility when you visited for Christmas. An additional advantage of the Atrium is that Nationwide could provide discounts at the surrounding hotels that would make the rooms affordable to your twenty-something friends. We planned all of the rehearsal and wedding events in the immediately surrounding area so that the twenty-somethings, most of whom would be from out of town, would not need automobiles. On your last day in Columbus before leaving to spend New Years with the Zeligs family, you discovered that no hotel rooms were available for that weekend because of a large floral association convention. Although this did not seem to be an unconquerable obstacle to your mother or me, looking for alternative housing, such as beds-and-breakfasts, or joining the floral association so that we could reserve rooms, were not attractive solutions to either of you. Although we called several times asking for what you had decided, we did not receive any response until about 8 pm Sunday evening, January 2, a night that is now part of Beavers’ folklore. Kristen accompanied by friend Maggie announced, “Let me tell you what Aaron and I have decided about the wedding . . . We are moving it from July 9 to June 2 and from Columbus to Boulder.” To which your mother and I both responded, “YOU’RE DOING WHAT??!!!” Maggie, being no dummy, excused herself to watch television elsewhere, and discussions among the three of us deteriorated with Kristen’s going to bed in tears and your mother’s and my going in frustration. The new date of June 2 is the day after Kristen’s graduation from the Air Force Academy which occurs after she’s been up all night the eve before to be sworn-in as a 2nd Lieutenant which is after four other days packed with activities preceding graduation. Boulder is a nice city, but not a place for which your mother or I have any contacts or knowledge. After a sleepless night, I decided the next morning, in my typical “managing partner” style, to get The Boy on the phone and drive to a resolution. Of course, we catch Aaron just before he is to walk into a meeting. I began, “We offered you the money not just to have you elope, BUT TO AVOID THE EMOTIONAL TURMOIL, ANXIETY AND STRESS THAT YOU PUT US THROUGH LAST NIGHT! We didn’t object when we received your spreadsheet with the line, Balance due the Zeligs, even though my partner, Chuck Waterman, told me not to accept this. You can have a wedding in Boulder on June 2, but that’s it. NO BALANCE DUE THE ZELIGS!!” What I like about Aaron is that he is pragmatic. Although Kristen was about to shove it back in our face, Aaron offered “I’ll talk to Kristen after I get out of my meeting.” And Aaron did, and eventually Colorado Springs became the venue, June 4 became the date, and we returned to “Balance due the Zeligs.” Which brings me to Aaron’s influence over Kristen and. . . . . . Cheyenne Mountain Resort over the Broadmoor Finding a place within the Colorado Springs venue was not easy because so many cadets, in order to be stationed together, get married immediately following their graduation. Many places were already booked for Saturday weddings throughout all of June. The Cheyenne Mountain Resort was one of the most accommodating, but they would not commit to do your wedding unless there was a cancellation so that there could be a spare banquet room to hold the wedding ceremony if it rained. The same problem existed at the Broadmoor, but the Broadmoor offered a solution to hold the ceremony in the Edith Gaylord suite. The Edith Gaylord Suite is 1600 square feet with a living room that can seat 50 persons. The ceremony would be in the Penrose Room where we could order from its five-star Mobil-rated menu. Kristen, being my Li’l Princess, thought this was great, but my stomach turned when I was told the cost of the suite was $7,000. Edith Gaylord, it turns out, is a co-owner along with her husband of the Broadmoor, proving that Taj Mahal may be expensive, but the owner’s suite is outrageous. After another sleepless night, your mother and I returned through a snow storm to Cheyenne Mountain Resort and negotiated holding the ceremony in its dinning room and using the only available banquet room as the backup for the ceremony in case of rain. As we were about to board our flight to return to Columbus, Kristen returned our call. “I just received my acceptance to medical school . . .” “Great, but we need to talk about the Broadmoor.” “Oh, Aaron already talked to me, and if you and Aaron think Cheyenne Mountain is better, I’m okay with that.” Another thing I like about Aaron is that sometimes he can influence Kristen! Speaking of being able to influence Kristen . . . . . . The Bachelorette’s Party or the “Baccalaureate” Kristen, you may be my Li’l Princess, but your sister, Meredith, is my grandiose planner. Meredith, as maid of honor, decided to plan Kristen’s bachelorette’s party in Las Vegas. “Interesting,” I thought, but I would not have wanted to spend the time and expense of going to a bachelor’s party in Las Vegas when I was Meredith’s or Kristen’s age. The problems began when Meredith asked Kristen’s high school friends to join Kristen in Las Vegas. The high school friends didn’t yet know either that the wedding was moved to Colorado Springs or that they were not invited (the Colorado Springs wedding intentionally being limited to family). After hearing that some of Kristen’ Air Force Academy friends had expressed the wish that the bachelorette’s party could be held in Colorado Springs, Denver or someplace where all could attend, I sent an email to Kristen and Meredith with the fatherly advice that: “Since a bachelorette’s party is thrown by friends for the bride-to-be . . . a suggestion for consideration is throw the ‘official’ party in Colorado Springs, Denver, Boulder or some place everyone feels comfortable and can afford to participate. If the two of you as sisters (either with or without some of your friends who are willing and can afford to do so) want to spend a last weekend in Las Vegas with Kristen as a bachelorette, just do it, but don’t try to force others to do it.” Within a day I received a copy of an email from Kristen to Meredith that gave me, what Terry Parham, a friend of Meredith, described as one of the fleeting moments, albeit false, that a father thinks that he has had some influence. The email was entitled “my grad schedule” and the first item was “29 May - Bachelorette followed by brunch at Cheyenne Mountain Resort.” I was elated. I assumed the Bachelorette party had been moved from May 21 in Las Vegas to May 29 in Colorado Springs just as I had offered for consideration. The elation lasted all of two hours until I received a copy of an email from Meredith replying to Kristen’s with “You might want to do more than spell check when you send out emails . . . it is not ‘Bachelorette’ but ‘Baccalaureate service’ followed by brunch at Cheyenne Mountain Resort.” So much for my influence. Now for . . . . . . The eve of the wedding Yes, I wrote recently to Kristen:
Your mother suggested tonight that I as father might have to do the same thing with you as my daughter, repeating what has become Brown folklore (folklore being an event of angst turned into a fond memory, or at least an interesting story, with the passage of time). I am sure The Boy is as busy as Li’l Princess. Keep in mind, however, that this marriage thing means mutuality -- responsibilities going both ways. In any event, as your grandfather said 33+years ago, “I’m giving my daughter away on Saturday no matter what.” I hope in my case the recipient is Aaron. Otherwise, I’ll just have to find some unsuspecting guy off the street! I often wonder who your grandfather would have found if I hadn’t showed up. Love ya, but not enough that I’m keeping you after June 4. In a few hours, I will walk you, Kristen, down that aisle to Aaron. And what do I say when I get to the end? “Here, take her, she’s yours” doesn’t quite seem correct although, as you know, I’ve offered that thought aloud several times this past week. Better yet, what will I be able to say under the emotions of that walk? So I now come to the purpose of this chronology. To end with what your mother and I certainly feel in our hearts, and I hope to be able to say tomorrow, at the end of that walk, at the end of the aisle, at the end of her being Kristen Parrish “Beavers,” at the end of my being the only man in Kristen’s life: “Aaron, Kristen is one of the loves of her mother’s and my lives. We share her with you to cherish and hold as one of the loves of your life. And in return, you will become one of the loves of ours.” Love, |